69 love songs - the magnetic fields

- a set of three albums.
- total of 69 songs in all.
- by the group "the magnetic fields".
- released in the year 1999.
- frontman stephen merritt.
- one of my all time favorites.
- read pitchfork review here.
- see list of all songs here.



posting select lyrics of some of the songs i like:

Acoustic Guitar,
You can have your own car,
Just bring me back my girl
She always loved the sound of your strum
You made her think, maybe, I wasn't so dumb
She tends to faint at the sound of a drumb
Cuz she's focused and planned, maybe she'll come
So bring me back my girl
You'd better bring me back my girl.

I've seen you laugh at nothing at all
I've seen you sadly weeping
The sweetest thing I ever saw
Was you asleep and dreaming
Well you may not be beautiful
But it's not for me to judge
I don't know if you're beautiful
Because I love you too much
I've seen you laugh at nothing at all
I've seen you sadly weeping
The sweetest thing I ever saw
Was you asleep and dreaming.

A pretty girl is like a minstrel show
It makes you laugh, it makes you cry you go
It just isn't the same on radio
It's all about the makeup and the dancing and the Oh,
A pretty girl is like a violent crime
If you do it wrong you could do time
But if you do it right it is sublime
I'm so in love with you, girl,
It's like I'm on the moon
I can't really breathe, but I feel lighter
A melody is like a pretty girl
Who cares if it's the dumbest in the world
It's all about the way that it unfurls
A pretty girl is like a pretty girl.

All the things I knew I didn't know and didn't want to know
That you told me just to tell me later that you'd told me so
Come flooding back to me now
Come on Come flooding back to me now
All the things you said you'd never say and you said anyway
The things we did and didn't do The things we did and didn't do
Come flooding back to me now

How fucking romantic
All the stars are out
Twinkling twinkling twinkling
And fluttering about
What a tacky sunset
What a vulgar moon
Play another charming
Rogers and hart tune
How fucking romantic
Must we really waltz?
Drag another cliche
Howling from the vaults
Love you obviously
Like you really care
Even though you treat me
Like a dancing bear.

A single rose in your garden dwells
Like any rose it's not itself
It is my love in your garden grows
but let's pretend it's just a rose
Well I'm sorry that I love you
It's a phase that I'm going through
There is nothing that I can do
And I'm sorry that I love you
Do not listen to my song
Don't remember it, don't sing along
Let's pretend it's a work of art
Let's pretend it's not my heart...
The rose will fade when summer's gone
The song will fade and I'll be gone
Because my heart is dying too
And it's all the same to you.

I don't want to get over you
I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will
And not have to go through what I go through.
I guess I should take Prozac, right,
And just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind
Who would try to get you off my mind.
I could leave this agony behind
Which is just what I'd do if I wanted to,
But I don't want to get over you
Cause I don't want to get over love.

You wanna know if we fell in love too fast
You wanna know if this is well too good to last
You're asking the wrong questions
You're opening the wrong doors
I love you, I can't touch you anymore
I can't touch you anymore, there's so much to hate you for
I love you, I can't touch you anymore...

Don't fall in love with me yet
We only recently met
True I'm in love with you but
You might decide I'm a nut
Give me a week or two to
Go absolutley cuckoo
Then, when you see your error,
Then, you can flee in terror
Like everybody else does
I only tell you this cause
I'm easy to get rid of
But not if you fall in love
Know now that I'm on the make
And if you make a mistake
My heart will certainly break
I'll have to jump in a lake
And all my friends will blame you
There's no telling what they'll do
It's only fair to tell you
I'm absolutely cuckoo.

Bitter tears keep me going
Through the years, freely flowing
What have you done
Only a gun could stop these bitter tears
The endless streets I walk along
You made them seem pretty
But no I dress in country songs
And wake in New York City...
I cry because it looks so good
I cry, why not, it's free
And there's nothing more interesting
Than crying constantly...

Love is like jazz you make it up as you go along
And you act as if you really know the song
But you don't and you never will
So you flaunt your mistakes and
You make them until they were you
Love is like jazz the same song
A million times in different ways
"Strange Fruit" with and without wind chimes
It's divine it's asinine it's depressing
And it's almost entirely window dressing
But it'll do.

The way you say good-night
I dream of all day long
Oh, I could write a song
About the way you say good-night...

They say there's a sun in the sky
But me, I can't imagine why
There might have been one
Before you were gone
But now all I see is the night, so
I don't believe in the sun
How could it shine down on everyone
And never shine on me
How could there be such cruelty.
The only sun I ever knew
Was the beautiful one that was you
Since you went away
It's night time all day
And it's usually raining too...

You are a splendid butterfly
It is your wings that make you beautiful
And I could make you fly away
But I could never make you stay
You said you were in love with me
Both of us know that that's impossible
And I could make you rue the day
But I could never make you stay
Not for all the tea in China
Not if I could sing like a bird
Not for all North Carolina
Not for all my little words
Not if I could write for you
The sweetest song you ever heard
It doesn't matter what I'll do
Not for all my little words
Now that you've made me want to die
You tell me that you're unboyfriendable
And I could make you pay and pay
But I could never make you stay.

Let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
Let's do it all day long
Rapidly becoming rabid
Singing little rabbit songs
I can keep it up all night
I can keep it up all day
Let's pretend we're bunny rabbits
Until we pass away.

Dance with me my old friend once before we go
Let's pretend this song won't end
And we never have to go home
And we'll dance among the chandeliers
And nothing matters when we're dancing
In tat or tatters you're entrancing
Be we in Paris or in Lansing
Nothing matters when we're dancing
You've never been more beautiful
Your eyes like two full moons
Than here in this poor old dancehall
Among the dreadful tunes the awful songs
We don't even hear...

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures
And instructions for dancing
But I I love it when you read to me
And you you can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb but I
I love it when you sing to me
And you you can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I I love it when you give me things and you
You ought to give me wedding rings.

Come back from San Francisco
It can't be all that pretty,
When all of New York City misses you.
Should pretty boys in discos distract you from your novel,
Remember I'm awful in love with you.
You need me like the wind needs the trees to blow in.
Like the moon needs poetry, you need me.
Come back from San Francisco and kiss me; I've quit smoking.
I miss doing the wild thing with you.
Will you stay? I don't think so,
But all I do is worry, pack bags, call cabs, and hurry home to me.
When you betray me, betray me with a kiss.
Damn you. I've never stayed up as late as this.

Before you left your garrison
You'd had a drink, maybe two
You don't remember Paris, hon
But it remembers you
It's true, we flew to Paris, dear
Aboard an Army jet
The night you can't remember
The night I can't forget
You said I was terrific, it
Meant zilch to you, ah, but I
Have our marriage certificate 'n
I'll keep it till I die
You were an Army officer
And I just a Rockette
The night you can't remember
The night I can't forget
No rose conveyed your sentiments
Not even a petunia
But you've got vague presentiments
And I've got little Junior
You said, Nobody loves me
And I said, wanna bet?
The night you can't remember
The night I can't forget.

A pretty girl in her underwear
A pretty girl in her underwear
If there's anything better in this world
Who cares
La mort, c'est la mort
Mais l'amour, c'est l'amour...

Meaningless
You mean it's all been meaningless?
Every whisper and caress?
Yes yes yes it was totally meaningless
Meaningless
Like when two fireflies flouresce
Just like everything I guess
Less less yes, it was utterly meaningless
Even less
A little glimpse of nothingness
Sucking meaning from the
Rest of this mess
Yes yes yes it was thoroughly meaningless
And if some dim bulb should say
We were in love in some way
Kick all his teeth in for me
And if you feel like keeping on kicking,
Feel free.

Andy would bicycle across town in the rain to bring you candy
And John would buy the gown for you to wear to the prom
With Tom the astronomer who'd name a star for you
But I'm the luckiest guy on the lower east side
Cause I've got wheels and you want to go for a ride.

Love can kill people, can't it
Well it still might kill me
Each drop of rain
Is a glass of champagne
It's sweet and it's free
When I drink I don't panic
When I drink I don't die
When I'm far gone
It's all just a song
Just beautiful lies...
But my sentimental melody
Like a long-lost lullabye
Will ring in your ears
Down through the years
Bringing a tear to your eye
Goodbye.

He is my lord, he is my saviour
And he rewards my good behavior
My secret soul, I know he's seen it
He says, come here baby and
Kiss me like you mean it
He calls me baby, says kiss me like you mean it
He is my life and my salvation
He's always right, he's always patient
I pinch myself it's like I'm dreaming it
He is my love, He's always been it...

I will stay if you let me stay and I'll go if you let go but I won't go far away
Because you're my only home I will hide what you want hidden and
I'll roam if you say roam but I'd just as soon you didn't because you're my only home
When you cancel dinner plans when you cross the street and you don't take my hand
When you make impossible demands I wish I didn't understand, but...

There are two kinds of people:
a) my love and I
b) other
Two kinds of people:
1) the gray and
2) me and my love
All people fall into two camps
That ever twain shall be:
Those lost in darkness without lamps,
And then,
My love and me...

The cactus where your heart should be
Has lovely little flowers
So though it's always pricking me
My ardor never sours
The cactus where your heart once was
Has power to rend and flay
I stick because I'm stuck
Because I just can't tear myself away.

Let this be the epitaph for my heart cupid put too much poison in the dart
This is the epitaph for my heart because it's gone, gone gone
And life goes on and on and on and death goes on, world without end
And you're not my friend who will mourn the passing of my heart.

recent indie

"indie" albums i've heard in recent times, along with my personal ratings:

01) iron and wine - woman king (* * * * *)
02) death cab for cutie - transatlanticism (* * * * *)
03) sufjan stevens - come on feel the illinoise! (* * * * 1/2)
04) nada surf - the weight is a gift (* * * * 1/2)
05) jimmy eat world - bleed american (* * * *)
06) kasabian - kasabian (* * * *)
07) the postal service - give up (* * * *)
08) belle & sebastian - dear catastrophe waitress (* * * *)
09) guster - keep it together (* * * 1/2)
10) jack johnson - brushfire fairytales (* * * 1/2)
11) the shins - oh, inverted world (* * * 1/2)
12) the strokes - room on fire (* * * 1/2)
13) dashboard confessional - a mark, a mission, a brand, a scar (* * *)

i believe in you - neil young

from neil young's 1970 album - "after the goldrush". i really like this album. it also contains the classic - southern man. below is my favorite song from the album:

Now that you found yourself losing your mind
Are you here again?
Finding that what you once thought was real
Is gone, and changing?
Now that you made yourself love me
Do you think I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say -
That I believe in you
Oh Oh.. I believe in you.

Coming to you at night
I see my questions, I feel my doubts
Wishing that maybe in a year or two
We could laugh and let it all out
Now that you made yourself love me
Do you think I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say -
That I believe in you
Oh Oh... I believe in you.

changes

changed the title of my blog today.
previous title: AN EXERCISE IN POINTLESSNESS
new title: REMIND ME TO FORGET
don't ask me why i did that and what it means - cuz i can't put it in words.

nothing much has happened since the last post. had thanksgiving break last week - was at home from wednesday onwards. with great difficulty managed to put together something in writing for my paper and gave whatever i had to my guide today. and it turns out he doesn't have time to look at it for 2 weeks. heh!

also had a thanksgiving party at our house on thursday. roomie invited some friends over for dinner - cleaned the house in the morning and made vegetable biryani (with cauliflowers, carrots and peas), angel hair stir fry (with onions, red and green peppers), rajma curry and boondi raita. the girls came over and made pooris and suji halwa.

also had the first snowfall of the season. it looked very nice - all white and untarnished.

today's passage - sri aurobindo

for me this one passage sums up everything.

when we have passed beyond knowings, then we shall have knowledge;
reason was the helper, reason is the bar.
when we have passed beyond willings, then we shall have power;
effort was the helper, effort is the bar.
when we have passed beyond enjoyings, then we shall have bliss;
desire was the helper, desire is the bar.
when we have passed beyond individualizing, we shall be real persons;
ego was the helper, ego is the bar.
when we have passed beyond humanity, then we shall be man;
animal was the helper, animal is the bar.

today

things i did today:

> morning after getting up, listened to 4 songs while still in bed:
- 1) panni vizhum iravu from mouna raagam (tamil)
- 2) raama kanavemi ra from swati mutyam (telugu)
- 3) jeene ke ishaare mil gaye from phir milenge (hindi)
- 4) you're beautiful by james blunt (english)
> talked to brother, mom & dad
> sn(2), k & s, b
> had dry post cereals for breakfast (without milk)
> walked to lab at 10
> tooled with qt
> had a garden burger & a bolthouse farms' berry boost for lunch
> setup experiment
> math class from 2-4
> met guide
> had a tall white chocolate mocha & a cappuccino pound cake slice
> walked back home at 5
> talked with satt
> r
> had vegetable biryani for dinner (roomie made it)
> saw csi
> posted latest entry on blog

> most listened to song of the day: wake me up when september ends - greenday
> second most listened to song of the day: meri nazar - josh

oasis & wallflowers

one of my favs:
song - wonderall; album - (what's the story) morning glory; band - oasis.

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how...

Because maybe...
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all you're my wonderwall

I said maybe...
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

another one:
song - i wish i felt nothing; album - bringing down the horse; band - the wallflowers

Say when you're alone
It's better 'cause nobody knows you
When no one's your friend
It's better 'cause nobody leaves you
So you turned your back
On a world that you could never have
'Cause your heart's been cracked
And everyone else's is goin' mad

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

Now all of these people
Come up from deep holes
Pullin' you down
And it's just no use
When all the abuse follows you down
By the morning you've gone
Leavin' me here all alone
Sayin' it's no mystery
I know that nobody here needs me

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

And I know you believe
That you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
Like it is for you
Like it is for you...

josh - meri nazar

recently got this song "meri nazar" (album: kabhi) from the pakistani group "josh". i just love this song. you can hear the song on this page.

dil ke baadalon mein basee huee kamee
dil ki baarishon mein chhaa gayee
mere khwabon mein basey adhoorey raaste
meri iss nazar mein kho gayey
meri nazar sey dekh lo kabhee... oo... kabhee
meri nazar mein jhaank lo kahaan hai woh kamee
meri nazar sey pooch lo kabhee
mere dil mein hai yeh kaisi saadgee

ho... dekho abb sanam yeh hamare har kadam
dekho hain yeh pyar mein magan
khul gayey hain aanganon ke saare raaste
khul gayee hain saari manzilein
meri nazar sey dekh lo kabhee... dekh lo...
meri nazar mein jhaank lo kahaan hai woh kamee
meri nazar sey pooch lo kabhee...
mere dil mein hai yeh kaisi saadgee

ho... chalti huee hawa
roshan shamaa jaley
teri naram sadaa
agle janam miley
yeh kal ki baarishein
hamein saath le chalein
tumhare paas...

meri nazar sey dekh lo kabhee...
meri nazar mein jhaank lo kahaan hai woh kamee
meri nazar sey pooch lo kabhee...
mere dil mein hai yeh kaisi saadgee...

depression

sri sri on depression:

lack of idealism is the main cause of depression among young people today. life appears to be so meaningless to these children, who are either too scared of the competitive world or bogged down by too much stimulation. they need inpiration, and spirituality is that inspiration.

depression sets in if there is lack of zeal to fight, when you lose the will to fight. aggression is the antidote to depression. depression is lack of energy; anger and aggression are bolts of energy.

when arjuna was depressed, krishna inspired him to fight and thus breathed life back into him. if you are depressed, do not take prozac - just fight for any cause. the decision to fight can take away your depression.

if aggression reaches a certain limit, it leads you back into depression. that is what happened when king ashoka won the kalinga war but became depessed. he had to take refuge in buddha.

wise are those who do not fall either into aggression or depression. that is the golden rule of a yogi. just wake up and acknowledge you are a yogi.

telugu translation - om namaha

ever since i came upon this idea of translating hindi film songs, i wanted to translate a telugu song into english. i think that telugu is the sweetest and most melodious language in the world - that may be because its my mother-tongue. telugu is also known as the italian of the east (which i personally find somewhat stupid), but the fact remains that in telugu every word ends in a vowel.
but there was a slight problem - since i grew up in delhi, i never learnt to read and write telugu and my spoken telugu is more or less limited to - i'm hungry, give me food - kind of household stuff. so the chances of me translating a telugu song by myself are very very remote. so i was helped in this endeavor by my good friend satt.

anyways the first song which came to my mind when i decided to translate a telugu song was "om namaha" from the movie "geetanjali". this was made in i think 1989 by one of the best indian directors - mani ratnam. now mani ratnam normally makes movies in tamil which are then dubbed into telugu, but on request of his telugu fans he made this love story in telugu directly. this movie was the biggest hit of those times and still remains a classic in telugu cinema. and also not to forget that the music was composed by illayaraja, who in my opinion is the greatest composer ever born. his music for geetanjali is one of the best ever - with each track an evergreen gem.
the story of geetanjali is about a young man who is leading a normal happy-go-lucky life; he meets with an accident and finds that he doesn't have much time left on earth. he leaves everyone and goes to a hill-station to spend some time alone. there he meets this girl, who is also terminally ill. he learns from her that the misery of death should not take away the happiness in life. soon they fall in love with each other. now for the first time in her life she really wants to live, and all the while she doesn't know that he is also very close to death.

so this song is one of my all-time favorites. in the picturization, all through the song the couple are engaged in a lip-to-lip kiss (which was quite bold for movies in those times) - not like the frantic smooching in hollywood movies, just a simple touching of lips. if i remember correctly, they are standing in a dimly lit church, with the early morning sunlight filtering through the high windows. and the camera moves around them in circles while this song plays in the background.

so here goes the translation: (of course this hardly manages to capture the same essence/feeling which comes out in the original telugu lyrics)

salutations to the music flowing in the eyes [m]
salutations to the waves stirring in the heart [m]
salutations to the rhythms dancing on the lips [f]
salutations to the sweet memories in our minds [f]

in the moment when my heart wept on realizing your heart's longing [m]
in the moment when these cold bodies became one and melted in the embrace [f]

as these arisen desires are carried by the winds [m]
as a beautiful song plays on the flute of our lives [f]
as distances disappear and the world seems very near [m]
as time stands still and we reach out to touch the sky [f]
as the sun rises slowly and the moon asks for a place to rest [m]
salutations to the song of love which is awakened by the sounds of sweet kisses [f]

oh lonely traveller come let us be together [f]
if you be the precious eye i'll turn into the eyelid [m]
as you are the east and as i am the spreading dawn [f]
as the song is woven and the love is expressed in words [m]
as the loving lips become one and the overflowing ambrosia becomes ours [f]
salutations to the loving couple born who are honored guests of the universe [m]

salutations to the music flowing in the eyes [f]
salutations to the waves stirring in the heart [f]
salutations to the rhythms dancing on the lips [m]
salutations to the sweet memories in our minds [m]

in the moment when my heart wept on realizing your heart's longing [f]
in the moment when these cold bodies became one and melted in the embrace [m]

emptiness - bliss

sri sri on bliss:

stretching sound is music
stretching movement is dance
stretching the smile is laughter
stretching the mind is meditation
stretching life is celebration
stretching the devotee is god
stretching feeling is ecstasy
stretching emptiness is bliss.

emptiness is the doorway between the material and the spiritual world. it is where you come to understand the nature of the spirit. if you do not know emptiness, then you cannot know the joy of being. experiencing being causes emptiness, from emptiness begins fullness.
on one side of emptiness is misery and on the other side is joy. this is what the buddha meant when he said, "the whole world is misery and what is to be acheived is emptiness."

my itunes crashed!

something happened to itunes just now. i was listening to a song and then it just stopped playing and hung. so i restarted my powerbook and after that when i opened itunes, it said - importing xml library file or something. i wasn't sure why it was doing that and i stopped that in the middle. then when i looked at my library it had only like 300-400 songs. all the rest weren't in the library. at least all the songs were still there in the itunes library folder. so i had to add all the the songs from the itunes library to get back my original full library with intact genres. but in all this i lost all the playcounts, all my old playlists - smart as well as normal ones, the playlist of all my favorite songs, playlist of recently added songs, all the playlists of the most played songs, even lost all my groupings. :(
but then luckily i found a xml life of my library i had saved about a month ago. so at least that had all the groupings, and some playlists. so all wasn't lost. i was mainly happy that i regained atleast the one playlist which had all my favorite songs, but also sad that i lost all my playcounts. so in a way my library is brand new, like a blank slate - with no trace of what all i heard before and how many times i heard it. one day i'll even have to part with all my songs - i know its inevitable...

firefly & wrpi

for those who've seen the movie serenity and liked it (i did), i would recommend watching the original televsion series firefly on which it was based. i watched the first 2 dvds (6 episodes) from netflix last weekend - quite entertaining. the series came on FOX for some 8-10 episodes and was unfortunately taken off. the series has the same cast, and is quite true to the movie. actually the movie gives away the entire plot, which the tv series would have revealed over time.

finally cleared the wrpi practical test today (second attempt). so am finally a cleared engineer for the wrpi radio station and can host radio shows on my own.

also changed the subtext of my blog title today. before it was " the whole point is that there is no point".

silence (who am i?)

sri sri on silence:

some questions can only be answered in silence. silence is the goal of all answers. if an answer does not silence the mind, it is no answer.
thoughts are not the goal in themselves. their goal is silence. when you ask the question "who am i?" you get no answer, there is only silence. that is the real answer. you soul is solidified silence and in this solidified silence is wisdom, knowledge.
the easy way to silence us to arouse feelings, for only through feelings will peace, joy and love dawn. they are all your very nature.
to the question "who am i?" the only relevant answer is silence. you need to discard all answers in words, including "i am nothing" or "i am the cosmic self" or "i am self." just remain with the question "who am i?" all other answers are just thoughts and thoughts can never be complete.
only silence is complete.

acappella

went to a acappella (meaning - choral singing without any instruments) concert in the night at rpi union with my roomie. it was by an undergrad group called "partial credit". there was also an all boy group from rochester, and an all girl group from albany. its was nice, although i enjoyed the songs i knew from before more than the songs i didn't know.
then we grabbed some thing to eat in the cafe (i had a veggie burger and mozerella sticks) and then we played pool in the game room there.

paintball

went to play paintball today afternoon, with other guys of the chem engg dept.
paintball is fun - the gun uses compressed air to shoot the paintball (small gel-caps with water-soluble paint in them) upto more than 60 ft and they go pretty fast. it doesn't really hurt a lot when you get hit, maybe it just stings a bit and leaves a small splatter of paint on your clothes.

we were about 20 people in all. we played about 5 different scenarios: firing in a battle-field terrain and firing in the woods (aim is to eliminate the enemy and reach their base), grab the flag (the first team to get the flag kept in the middle neutral area and return to base), defend the fort (where some 5 defenders have to defend the fort against some 10 attackers, they need to hold the fort for like 10 min) and the best one was where there were 2 separate bunkers and the aim was to defend your flag and try to get the enemy flag and return to your bunker.

you are out of the game once you get hit. you need to have some plan on how to go about achieving your target. you have to be aware of the enemy positions and also try to sneak up on them. you also have cool stuff like providing cover for your teammates as they try to move from cover to cover.
to know more about paintball, click HERE.

love, relationship, loneliness,...

An excerpt from "The Awakening of Intelligence" by J Krishnamurti:

I would like to talk about relationship, about what love is, about human existence in which is involved our daily living, the problems one has, the conflicts, the pleasures and the fears, and that most extraordinary thing one calls death.

I think one has to understand, not as a theory, not as a speculative, entertaining concept, but rather as an actual fact — that we are the world and the world is us. The world is each one of us; to feel that, to be really committed to it and to nothing else, brings about a feeling of great responsibility and an action that must not be fragmentary, but whole.

I think we are apt to forget that our society, the culture in which we live, which has conditioned us, is the result of human endeavor, conflict, human misery and suffering. Each one of us is that culture; the community is each one of us — we are not separate from it. To feel this, not as an intellectual idea or a concept, but to actually feel the reality of this, one has to go into the question of what is relationship; because our life, our existence, is based on relationship. Life is a movement in relationship. If we do not understand what is implied in relationship, we inevitably not only isolate ourselves, but create a society in which human beings are divided, not only nationally, religiously, but also in themselves and therefore they project what they are into the outer world.

I do not know if you have gone into this question deeply for yourself, to find out if one can live with another in total harmony, in complete accord, so that there is no barrier, no division, but a feeling of complete unity. Because relationship means to be related — not in action, not in some project, not in an ideology — but to be totally united in the sense that the division, the fragmentation between individuals, between two human beings, does not exist at all at any level.

Unless one finds this relationship, it seems to me that when we try to bring order in the world, theoretically or technologically, we are bound to create not only deep divisions between man and man, but also we shall be unable to prevent corruption. Corruption begins in the lack of relationship; I think that is the root of corruption. Relationship as we know it now is the continuation of division between individuals. The root meaning of that word individual means "indivisible". A human being who is in himself not divided, not fragmented, is really an individual. But most of us are not individuals; we think we are, and therefore there is the opposition of the individual to the community. One has to understand not only the meaning of that word individuality in the dictionary sense, but in that deep sense in which there is no fragmentation at all. That means perfect harmony between the mind, the heart and the physical organism. Only then an individuality exists.

If we examine our present relationship with each other closely, be it intimate or superficial, deep or passing, we see it fragmented. Wife or husband, boy or girl, each lives in his own ambition, in personal and egotistic pursuits, in his own cocoon. All these contribute to the factor of bringing about an image in himself and therefore his relationship with another is through that image, therefore there is no actual relationship.

I do not know if you are aware of the structure and the nature of this image that one has built around oneself and in oneself. Each person is doing this all the time, and how can there be a relationship with another, if there is that personal drive, envy, competition, greed and all the rest of those things which are sustained and exaggerated in modern society? How can there be relationship with another, if each one of us is pursuing his own personal achievement, his own personal success?

I do not know if one is at all aware of this. We are so conditioned that we accept it as the norm, as the pattern of life, that each one must pursue his own particular idiosyncrasy or tendency, and yet try to establish a relationship with another in spite of this. Isn’t that what we are all doing? You may be married and you go to the office or to the factory; whatever you are doing during the whole of the day, you pursue that. And your wife is in her house, with her own troubles, with her own vanities, with all that happens. Where is the relationship between those two human beings? Is it in bed, in sex? Is a relationship so superficial, so limited, so circumscribed, not in itself corruption?

One may ask: how then are you to live, if you do not go to the office, pursue your own particular ambition, your own desire to achieve and to attain? If one does not do any of this, what is one to do? I think that is a wrong question altogether, don’t you? Because we are concerned, are we not, in bringing about a radical change in the whole structure of the mind. The crisis is not in the outer world, but in consciousness itself. And until we understand this crisis, not superficially, not according to some philosopher, but actually deeply understand it for ourselves by looking into it and examining it, we shall not be able to bring about a change. We are concerned with psychological revolution, and this revolution can only take place when there is the right kind of relationship between human beings.

How is such a relationship to be brought about? The problem is clear, isn’t it? Please, share this problem with me, will you? It’s your problem, not my problem; it’s your life, not my life, it’s your sorrow, your trouble, your anxiety, your guilt. This battle is one’s life. If you listen merely to a description, then you will find that you are only swimming on the surface and not resolving any problem at all. It is actually your problem, and the speaker is merely describing it — knowing that the description is not the described. Let us share this problem together, which is: how can human beings, you and I, find a right relationship in all this turmoil, hatred, destruction, pollution, and among these terrible things which are going on in the world?

To find that out, it seems to me, one must examine what is taking place, see what actually "is". Not what we should like to think it should be, or try to change our relationship to a future concept, but actually observe what it is now. In observing the fact, the truth, the actuality of it, there is a possibility of changing it. As we said the other day, when there is a possibility then there is great energy. What dissipates energy is the idea that it is not possible to change.

So we must look at our relationship as it is actually now, every day; and in observing what it is, we shall discover how to bring about a change in that actuality. So we are describing what actually is, which is: each one lives in his own world, in his world of ambition, greed, fear, the desire to succeed and all the rest of it—you know what is going on. If I am married, I have responsibilities, children, and all the rest of it. I go to the office, or some place of work, and we meet each other, husband and wife, boy and a girl, in bed. And that’s what we call love, leading separate lives, isolated, building a wall of resistance round ourselves, pursuing a self-centered activity; each one is seeking security psychologically, each one is depending on the other for comfort, for pleasure, for companionship; because each one is so deeply lonely, each demands to be loved, to be cherished, each one is trying to dominate the other.

You can see this for yourself, if you observe yourself. Is there any kind of relationship at all? There is no relationship between two human beings; though they may have children, a house, actually they are not related. If they have a common project, that project sustains them, holds them together, but that’s not relationship.

Realizing all this, one sees that if there is no relationship between two human beings, then corruption begins — not in the outward structure of society, in the outer phenomenon of pollution, but inner pollution, corruption, destruction begins, when human beings have actually no relationship at all, as you haven’t. You may hold the hand of another, kiss each other, sleep together, but actually, when you observe very closely, is there any relationship at all? To be related means not to be dependent on each other, not to escape from your loneliness through another, not to try to find comfort, companionship, through another. When you seek comfort through another, are dependent and all the rest of it, can there be any kind of relationship? Or are you then using each other?

We are not being cynical, but actually observing what is: that is not cynicism. So to find out what it actually means to be related to another, one must understand this question of loneliness, because most of us are terribly lonely; the older we grow the more lonely we become, especially in this country. Have you noticed the old people, what they are like? Have you noticed their escapes, their amusements? They have worked all their lives and they want to escape into some kind of entertainment.

Seeing this, can we find a way of living in which we don’t use another? — psychologically, emotionally, not depend on another, not use another as a means of escape from our own tortures, from our own despairs, from our own loneliness.To understand this is to understand what it means to be lonely. Have you ever been lonely? Do you know what it means? — that you have no relationship with another, are completely isolated. You may be with your family, in a crowd, in the office, wherever you are, when this complete sense of utter loneliness with its despair suddenly comes upon you. Till you solve that completely, your relationship becomes a means of escape and therefore it leads to corruption, to misery. How is one to understand this loneliness, this sense of complete isolation? To understand it, one has to look at one’s own life. Is not your every action a self-centered activity? You may occasionally be charitable, generous, do something without any motive — those are rare occasions. This despair can never be dissolved through escape, but by observing it.

So we have come back to this question, which is: how to observe? How to observe ourselves, so that in that observation there is no conflict at all? Because conflict is corruption, is waste of energy, it is the battle of our life, from the moment we are born till we die. Is it possible to live without a single moment of conflict? To do that, to find that out for ourselves, one has to learn how to observe our whole movement. There is observation which becomes harmonious, which is true, when the observer is not, but only observation.

When there is no relationship can there be love? We talk about it, and love, as we know it, is related to sex and pleasure, isn’t it? Some of you say "No". When you say "No", then you must be without ambition, then there must be no competition, no division — as you and me, we and they. There must be no division of nationality, or the division brought about by belief, by knowledge. Then, only, can you say you love. But for most people love is related to sex and pleasure and all the travail that comes with it: jealousy, envy, antagonism, you know what happens between man and woman. When that relationship is not true, real, deep, completely harmonious, then how can you have peace in the world? How can there be an end to war?

So relationship is one of the most, or rather the most important thing in life. That means that one has to understand what love is. Surely, one comes upon it, strangely, without asking for it. When you find out for yourself what love is not, then you know what love is — not theoretically, not verbally — but when you realize actually what it is not, which is: not to have a mind that is competitive, ambitious, a mind that is striving, comparing, imitating; such a mind cannot possibly love.

So can you, living in this world, live completely without ambition, completely without ever comparing yourself with another? Because the moment you compare, then there is conflict, there is envy, there is the desire to achieve, to go beyond the other. Can a mind and a heart that remembers the hurts, the insults, the things that have made it insensitive and dull — can such a mind and heart know what love is? Is love pleasure? And yet that is what we are pursuing, consciously or unconsciously. Our gods are the result of our pleasure. Our beliefs, our social structure, the morality of society — which is essentially immoral — is the result of our pleasure. And when you say, "I love somebody", is it love? That means: no separation, no domination, no self-centered activity. To find out what it is, one must deny all this — deny it in the sense of seeing the falseness of it. When you once see something as false — which you have accepted as true, as natural, as human — then you can never go back to it; when you see a dangerous snake, or a dangerous animal, you never play with it, you never come near it. Similarly, when you actually see that love is none of these things, feel it, observe it, chew it, live with it, are totally committed to it, then you will know what love is, what compassion is — which means passion for everyone.

We have no passion; we have lust, we have pleasure. The root meaning of the word passion is sorrow. We have all had sorrow of some kind or another, losing somebody, the sorrow of self-pity, the sorrow of the human race, both collective and personal. We know what sorrow is, the death of someone whom you consider you have loved. When we remain with that sorrow totally, without trying to rationalize it, without trying to escape from it in any form through words or through action, when you remain with it completely, without any movement of thought, then you will find that out of that sorrow comes passion. That passion has the quality of love, and love has no sorrow.

One has to understand this whole question of existence, the conflicts, the battles: you know the life that one leads, so empty, so meaningless. The intellectuals try to give it a meaning and we also want to find significance in life, because life has no meaning as it is lived. Has it? The constant struggle, the endless work, the misery, the suffering, the travail that one goes through in life, all that has actually no meaning — we go through it as a habit. But to find out what the significance is, one must also understand the significance of death; because living and dying go together, they are not two separate things.

So one must inquire what it means to die, because that is part of our living. Not something in the distant future, to be avoided, only to be faced when one is desperately ill, in old age or in an accident, or on a battlefield. As it is part of our daily life to live without a single breath of conflict, so it is part of our life to find out what it means to love. That is also part of our existence, and one must understand it.

How do we understand what death is? When you are dying, at the last moment, can you understand the way you have lived—the strains, the emotional struggles, the ambitions, the drive? You are probably unconscious and that makes you incapable of clear perception. Then there is the deterioration of the mind in old age and all the rest of it. So one has to understand what death is now, not tomorrow. As you observe, thought does not want to think about it. It thinks about all the things it will do tomorrow — how to make new inventions, better bathrooms, all the things that thought can think about. But it does not want to think about death, because it does not know what it means.

Is the meaning of death to be found through the process of thought? Please do share this. When we share it, then we will begin to see the beauty of all this, but if you sit there and let the speaker go on, merely listening to his words, then we don’t share together. Sharing together implies a certain quality of care, attention, affection, love. Death is a tremendous problem. The young people may say: why do you bother about it? But it is part of their life, as it is part of their life to understand celibacy. Don’t just say, "Why do you talk about celibacy, that’s for the old fogies, that’s for the stupid monks." What it means to be celibate has also been a problem for human beings, that also is part of life.

Can the mind be completely chaste? Not being able to find out how to live a chaste life, one takes vows of celibacy and goes through tortures. That is not celibacy. Celibacy is something entirely different. It is to have a mind that is free from all images, from all knowledge; which means understanding the whole process of pleasure and fear.

Similarly, one has to understand this thing called death. How do you proceed to understand something of which you are terribly frightened? Aren’t we frightened of death? Or we say, "Thank God I’m going to die, I’ve had enough of this life with all the misery of it, the confusion, the shoddiness, the brutality, the mechanical things by which one is caught, thank God all this will end!" That is not an answer; nor is it to rationalize death, or to believe in some reincarnation, as the whole Asiatic world does. To find out what reincarnation means, which is to be born in a future existence, you must find out what you are now. If you believe in reincarnation, what are you now? — a lot of words, a lot of experience, of knowledge; you are conditioned by various cultures, you are all the identifications of your life, your furniture, your house, your bank account, your experiences of pleasure and pain. That’s what you are, aren’t you? The remembrance of the failures, the hopes, the despairs, all that you are now, and that is going to be born in the next life — a lovely idea, isn’t it!

Or you think there is a permanent soul, a permanent entity. Is there anything permanent in you? The moment you say there is a permanent soul, a permanent entity, that entity is the result of your thinking, or the result of your hopes, because there is so much insecurity, everything is transient, in a flux, in a movement. So when you say there is something permanent, that permanency is the result of your thinking. And thought is of the past, thought is never free — it can invent anything it likes!

So if you believe in a future birth, then you must know that the future is conditioned by the way you live now, what you do now, what you think, what your acts are, your ethics. So what you are now, what you do now, matters tremendously. But those people who believe in a future birth don’t give a pin about what happens now, it’s just a matter of belief.

So, how do you find out what death means, when you are living with vitality, with energy, full of health? Not when you are unbalanced, or ill, not at the last moment, but now, knowing the organism must inevitably wear out, like every machinery. Unfortunately we use our machinery so disrespectfully, don’t we? Knowing the physical organism comes to an end, have you ever thought about what it means to die? You can’t think about it. Have you ever experimented to find out what it means to die psychologically, inwardly? — not how to find immortality, because eternity, that which is timeless, is now, not in some distant future. To inquire into that, one must understand the whole problem of time; not only chronological time, by the watch, but the time that thought has invented as a gradual process of change.

How does one find out about this strange thing that we all have to meet one day or another? Can you die psychologically today, die to everything that you have known? For instance: to die to your pleasure, to your attachment, your dependence, to end it without arguing, without rationalizing, without trying to find ways and means of avoiding it. Do you know what it means to die, not physically, but psychologically, inwardly? Which means to put an end to that which has continuity; to put an end to your ambition, because that’s what’s going to happen when you die, isn’t it? You can’t carry it over and sit next to God! (Laughter) When you actually die, you have to end so many things without any argument. You can’t say to death, "Let me finish my job, let me finish my book, all the things I have not done, let me heal the hurts which I have given others" — you have no time.

So can you find out how to live a life now, today, in which there is always an ending to everything that you began? Not in your office of course, but inwardly to end all the knowledge that you have gathered — knowledge being your experiences, your memories, your hurts, the comparative way of living, comparing yourself always with somebody else. To end all that every day, so that the next day your mind is fresh and young. Such a mind can never be hurt, and that is innocence.

One has to find out for oneself what it means to die; then there is no fear, therefore every day is a new day — and I really mean this, one can do this — so that your mind and your eyes see life as something totally new. That is eternity. That is the quality of the mind that has come upon this timeless state, because it has known what it means to die every day to everything it has collected during the day. Surely, in that there is love. Love is something totally new every day, but pleasure is not, pleasure has continuity. Love is always new and therefore it is its own eternity.

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I realize that love cannot exist when there is jealousy: love cannot exist when there is attachment. Now, is it possible for me to be free of jealousy and attachment? I realize that I do not love. That is a fact. I am not going to deceive myself; I am not going to pretend to my wife that I love her. I do not know what love is. But I do know that I am jealous and I do know that I am terribly attached to her and that in that attachment there is fear, there is jealousy, anxiety; there is a sense of dependence. I do not like to depend but I depend because I am lonely; I am shoved around in the office, in the factory and I come home and I want to feel comfort and companionship, to escape from myself. Now I ask myself: how am I to be free of this attachment? I am taking that just as an example.

At first, I want to run away from the question. I do not know how it is going to end up with my wife. When I am really detached from her my relationship to her may change. She might be attached to me and I might not be attached to her or any other woman. But I am going to investigate. So I will not run away from what I imagine might be the consequence of being totally free of all that attachment. I do not know what love is, but I see very clearly, definitely, without any doubt, that attachment to my wife means jealousy, possession, fear, anxiety and I want my freedom from all that. So I begin to enquire; I look for a method and I get caught in a system. Some guru says; "I will help you to be detached, do this and this; practise this and this." I accept what he says because I see the importance of being free and he promises me that if I do what he says I will have reward. But I see that way that I am looking for reward. I see how silly I am; wanting to be free and getting attached to reward.

I do not want to be attached and yet I find myself getting attached to the idea that somebody, or some book, or some method, will reward me with freedom from attachment. So, the reward becomes an attachment. So I say: "Look what I have done; be careful, do not get caught in that trap." Whether it is a woman, a method, or an idea, it is still attachment. I am very watchful now for I have learned something; that is, not to exchange attachment for something else that is still attachment.

I ask myself: "What am I to do to be free of attachment?" What is my motive in wanting to be free of attachment? Is it not that I want to achieve a state where there is no attachment, no fear and so on? And I suddenly realize that motive gives direction and that direction will dictate my freedom. Why have a motive? What is motive? A motive is a hope, or a desire, to achieve something. I see that I am attached to a motive. Not only my wife, not only my idea, the method, but my motive has become my attachment! So I am all the time functioning within the field of attachment--the wife, the method and the motive to achieve something in the future. To all this I am attached. I see that it is a tremendously complex thing; I did not realize that to be free of attachment implied all this. Now, I see this as clearly as I see on a map the main roads, the side roads and the villages; I see it very clearly. Then I say to myself: "Now, is it possible for me to be free of the great attachment I have for my wife and also of the reward which I think I am going to get and of my motive?" To all this I am attached. Why? Is it that I am insufficient in myself? Is it that I am very very lonely and therefore seek to escape from that feeling of isolation by turning to a woman, an idea, a motive; as if I must hold onto something? I see that it is so, I am lonely and escaping through attachment to something from that feeling of extraordinary isolation.

So I am interested in understanding why I am lonely, for I see it is that which makes me attached. That loneliness has forced me to escape through attachment to this or to that and I see that as long as I am lonely the sequence will always be this. What does it mean to be lonely? How does it come about? Is it instinctual, inherited, or is it brought about by my daily activity? If it is an instinct, if it is inherited, it is part of my lot; I am not to blame. But as I do not accept this, I question it and remain with the question. I am watching and I am not trying to find an intellectual answer. I am not trying to tell the loneliness what it should do, or what it is; I am watching for it to tell me. There is a watchfulness for the loneliness to reveal itself. It will not reveal itself if I run away; if I am frightened; if I resist it. So I watch it. I watch it so that no thought interferes. Watching is much more important than thought coming in. And because my whole energy is concerned with the observation of that loneliness thought does not come in at all. The mind is being challenged and it must answer. Being challenged it is in a crisis. In a crisis you have great energy and that energy remains without being interfered with by thought. This is a challenge which must be answered.

I started out having a dialogue with myself. I asked myself what is this strange thing called love; everybody talks about it, writes about it--all the romantic poems, pictures, sex and all other areas of it? I ask: is there such a thing as love? I see it does not exist when there is jealousy, hatred, fear. So I am not concerned with love anymore; I am concerned with `what is', my fear, my attachment. Why am I attached? I see that one of the reasons--I do not say it is the whole reason--is that I am desperately lonely, isolated. The older I grow the more isolated I become. So I watch it. This is a challenge to find out, and because it is a challenge all energy is there to respond. That is simple. If there is some catastrophe, an accident or whatever it is, it is a challenge and I have the energy to meet it. I do not have to ask: "How do I get this energy?" When the house is on fire I have the energy to move; extraordinary energy. I do not sit back and say: "Well, I must get this energy" and then wait; the whole house will be burned by then.

So there is this tremendous energy to answer the question: why is there this loneliness? I have rejected ideas, suppositions and theories that it is inherited, that it is instinctual. All that means nothing to me. Loneliness is `what is'. Why is there this loneliness which every human being, if he is at all aware, goes through, superficially or most profoundly? Why does it come into being? Is it that the mind is doing something which is bringing it about? I have rejected theories as to instinct and inheritance and I am asking: is the mind, the brain itself, bringing about this loneliness, this total isolation? Is the movement of thought doing this? Is the thought in my daily life creating this sense of isolation? In the office I am isolating myself because I want to become the top executive, therefore thought is working all the time isolating itself. I see that thought is all the time operating to make itself superior, the mind is working itself towards this isolation.

So the problem then is: why does thought do this? Is it the nature of thought to work for itself? Is it the nature of thought to create this isolation? Education brings about this isolation; it gives me a certain career, a certain specialization and so, isolation. Thought, being fragmentary, being limited and time binding, is creating this isolation. In that limitation, it has found security saying: "I have a special career in my life; I am a professor; I am perfectly safe." So my concern is then: why does thought do it? Is it in its very nature to do this? Whatever thought does must be limited.

Now the problem is: can thought realize that whatever it does is limited, fragmented and therefore isolating and that whatever it does will be thus? This is a very important point: can thought itself realize its own limitations? Or am I telling it that it is limited? This, I see, is very important to understand; this is the real essence of the matter. If thought realizes itself that it is limited then there is no resistance, no conflict; it says, "I am that". But if I am telling it that it is limited then I become separate from the limitation. Then I struggle to overcome the limitation, therefore there is conflict and violence, not love.

So does thought realize of itself that it is limited? I have to find out. I am being challenged. Because I am challenged I have great energy. Put it differently: does consciousness realize its content is itself? Or is it that I have heard another say: "Consciousness is its content; its content makes up consciousness"? Therefore I say, "Yes, it is so". Do you see the difference between the two? The latter, created by thought, is imposed by the `me'. If I impose something on thought then there is conflict. It is like a tyrannical government imposing on someone, but here that government is what I have created.

So I am asking myself: has thought realized its own limitations? Or is it pretending to be something extraordinary, noble, divine?-- which is nonsense because thought is based on memory. I see that there must be clarity about this point: that there is no outside influence imposing on thought saying it is limited. Then, because there is no imposition there is no conflict; it simply realizes it is limited; it realizes that whatever it does--its worship of god and so on--is limited, shoddy, petty--even though it has created marvellous cathedrals throughout Europe in which to worship.

So there has been in my conversation with myself the discovery that loneliness is created by thought. Thought has now realized of itself that it is limited and so cannot solve the problem of loneliness. As it cannot solve the problem of loneliness, does loneliness exist? Thought has created this sense of loneliness, this emptiness, because it is limited, fragmentary, divided and when it realizes this, loneliness is not, therefore there is freedom from attachment. I have done nothing; I have watched the attachment, what is implied in it, greed, fear, loneliness, all that and by tracing it, observing it, not analyzing it, but just looking, looking and looking, there is the discovery that thought has done all this. Thought, because it is fragmentary, has created this attachment. When it realizes this, attachment ceases. There is no effort made at all. For the moment there is effort conflict is back again.

In love there is no attachment; if there is attachment there is no love. There has been the removal of the major factor through negation of what it is not, through the negation of attachment. I know what it means in my daily life: no remembrance of anything my wife, my girl friend, or my neighbour did to hurt me; no attachment to any image thought has created about her; how she has bullied me, how she has given me comfort, how I have had pleasure sexually, all the different things of which the movement of thought has created images; attachments to those images has gone.

And there are other factors: must I go through all those step by step, one by one? Or is it all over? Must I go through, must I investigate--as I have investigated attachment--fear, pleasure and the desire for comfort? I see that I do not have to go through all the investigation of all these various factors; I see it at one glance, I have captured it.

So, through negation of what is not love, love is. I do not have to ask what love is? I do not have to run after it. If I run after it, it is not love, it is a reward. So I have negated, I have ended, in that enquiry, slowly, carefully, without distortion, without illusion, everything that it is not--the other is.

moonlit musing

oh silver moon
shining in the night sky,
when i looked up at you today
the reason for your allure
suddenly dawned on me.

why countless couples
through countless ages
have looked up at you
with that wistful longing
plucking at their heart strings.

its simply the idea that
when one is looking at you
someone close to the heart
but far apart in distance
can be doing the same thing.

you are the medium which
joins them in their acts
and unites them in their thoughts,
you are the bridge that spans
the space between distant souls.

i have found

this is a song from the movie phir milenge. there are two versions: a happy one (jeene ke ishaare mile gaye) and a sad one (yaad hai wo pehli mulaakaat).

happy one - have found the signs to live

some fragrances
escaped from the clutches of memories
some windows
opened at the knocking of tender moments
some old songs kept by the bed-side
some tunes lost somewhere - now have found the composition...

have found the signs to live
have found the meeting of distant shores...

since you have rained in my life
my paths have become streams and started flowing
since you have touched my sleepless nights
sweet dreams have started passing by my nights' alleys.

have found the signs to live
have found the meeting of distant shores...

my heart's flame having fought the winds has lit up
bright light has swallowed up all my darkness
that you laughed and asked me to smile
the seasons of my mind have become evergreen.

have found the signs to live
have found the meeting of distant shores...

some fragrances
have gone from breath to breath
some windows
have opened in our eyes
some unquenched thirsts, some purple dusks,
some silken mistakes - in them the nights are drowning...

have found the signs to live
have found the meeting of distant shores...


sad one - have found the reasons to cry

i remember
the first time we met
i remember
every single word you said
those scented nights, all the related tales
tears have started to flow from my wet eyes.

have found some missing tales
have found some reasons to cry...

in my broken heart no desires are left
all the paths of longing lie desolate
even my good wishes have become a curse
these feelings of love have started to hurt.

have found some missing tales
have found some reasons to cry...

even if i try i am unable to forget you
you tell me how do i live without you
you don't know how much pain i've endured
my scattered dreams have fallen on the ground.

have found some missing tales
have found some reasons to cry...

tomorrow may or may not be

this one is the title track from the movie kal ho naa ho:

every moment life's changing its light
at times its shady, at times its bright.

live every moment here to its fullest
whatever may be the conditions
tomorrow may or may not be there.

the one who loves you with all the heart
its difficult to meet such a person,
if you ever find one who fills that part
to you she's the most beautiful one.

hold on to that hand,
that kind one -
tomorrow she may or may not be there.

taking the shadows from your eyelashes
when someone comes along your way,
try as hard to hold the heart's bashes
it can't help but keep beating away.

but keep in mind,
this fable here -
tomorrow it may or may not be there.

don't say anything

this is kind of addictive. even though i have this maths exam tomorrow, i can't seem to stop doing this translating business. but also can't seem to find good songs worth translating, ie songs which still appear somewhat nice after translating into english.

anyways this song is "kuch naa kaho" from the movie 1942 - a love story:

don't say anything, don't say anything at all
whatever has to be said, whatever has to be heard
i know it, so do you.
this moment in time seems to have stopped
and in this moment there is nobody else
just you are there, just i am there.

all the identities are lost, all our close ones are lost
falling through the winnow of time all our dreams are lost.
and in this moment there is nobody else
just you are there, just i am there.

when we had seen beautiful delicate dreams
the flowers, stars, mountains and clouds all seemed like ours.
and in this moment there is nobody else
just you are there, just i am there.

how deep and light the colors, the evening is reflecting
the clouds descend the peaks like the veil slips down.
and in this moment there is nobody else
just you are there, just i am there.

the breaths are enkindled, the heartbeat is wavered
the evening's shadow is fragrant, our minds and bodies are melting.
and in this moment there is nobody else
just you are there, just i am there.

it hums, it sings,

the second song i translated is "gungunati hai" from the movie satta:

it hums, it sings - life;
now that you've come.
it smiles, it blushes - life;
now that you've come.

its like flowers have blossomed in my heart;
it blooms, it scents - life;
now that you've come.

there was this restless wave,
now it has found its shores;
there was this searching sight,
now it has found its views.

its like pictures are drawn on my heart;
it tickles, it teases - life;
now that you have come.

now that i have found you,
life has found every happiness;
now that you are my companion,
all the paths are lit up.

its like sunlight filters through my heart;
it sparkles, it shines - life;
now that you've come.

so many things come to mind

it came to me in the lab today, that a fun and interesting way to pass time is to translate some hindi film songs into english. so giving it a try. starting with "kitni baatein yaad aati hain" from the movie lakshya:

so many things come to mind
as if they form these pictures
how do i forget them
how do i console my heart

so many things are there to say
they just lie quietly on the lips
listen to them one day
why are you so lost

why couldn't the fable be completed
oh how did these distances come...

in both our hearts this unknown sadness that lies hidden,
will it ever lessen
what does one say...
that which both of us have found at this juncture in our lives,
what is this loneliness
what does one say...

how desolate is this world...

the way smoke dissolves in our breath
oh how did these distances come...

on meeting you today the heart remembered past incidents,
why did these tears fall
now what do we say...
when you looked at me that way a new hope has risen,
of getting love from you again
now what do we say...

we have come from where to where...

lets look back at the caravan of our hearts
oh how did these distances come...

in both our hearts there are questions but there's silence too,
so who's the one at fault
what does one say...
what mesh of problems is this in which our hearts are entangled,
now what will we gain
what does one say...

what kind of compulsions does the heart have...

remains of which paths have been lost
oh how did these distances come...

tiny vessels

lyrics of the song "tiny vessels" from the album transatlanticism by "death cab for cutie":

This is the moment that you know
That you told you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me [x2]

my signatures

have had this signature in my yahoo-mail since a long time:

"Naa to kaaravaan ki talaash hai, naa to ham-safar ki talaash hai,
Mere shaukh-e-khaana kharaab ko, tere rehguzar ki talaash hai."

kaaravaan = caravan;
talaash = search/quest/look for;
ham = co-, safar = journey/travel, humsafar = fellow traveller/companion;
shaukh = entertainment, khaana = room, shaukh-e-khaana = game-room/tavern;
kharaab = ruined/desolate/bad/wry/wretched/spoiled/rotten;
raah = path/way, guzar = a pass/a living/a road, rehguzar = path/time of passing by;

finally pinned down a satisfactory meaning/interpretation today. it goes as:

Am not in search of a caravan, am not in search of a companion;
The desolate tavern in my heart, is in search of 'your' passing by.


the other signature in my university mail account is:

"If you understand, things are just as they are...
If you do not understand, things are just as they are...
- Zen Saying."

end of fall

think the fall season, at least the most colorful part of it, is coming to the end now, with most trees beginning to shed their leaves.

this weekend

on friday evening saw "in the mood for love" - an acclaimed chinese movie directed by celebrated director wong kar-wai. set in 1960s hong kong, about 2 neighbors (mr. chow & mrs. chan) who discover that their often-absent spouses are having a affair. they are drawn towards each other but decide that they won't be like their unfaithful mates. found it to be a visually stunning period piece with an evocative background score - captures a sense of romantic longing in fleeting moments in time.

was up all night on friday chatting online, slept about 15 hours on saturday. did go out for a drive on saturday afternoon with my roommate - into massachusetts to catch some fall colors. but found that most of the trees had already shed their leaves, and the drive wasn't as colorful as expected. had lunch at an indian restaurant in williamstown - their masala tea was great. it was nice drive on the whole - took my powerbook and connected it to the car speakers, and played nice english/hindi songs all along the way.

in the wrpi show today morning, took requests for the first time. hosted the show along with my roomie. didn't get any requests till the 4th song. then got 3 calls within the space of one song, two from other grad students, who i guess took pity on us and requested something. at least i had the 4 songs requested - chookar mere man ko, tum itna kyon muskura rahe ho, ik din bik jaayega and main aisa kyon hoon. then headed to java++, a cafe near our univ - for a white chocolate mocha, a dark chocolate cake and some online chatting.

in the evening went to price chopper for groceries. tried a large quiznos toasted veggie sub on the way back. and had it while watching "the matrix" on tbs - for the 'n'th time. found the sub to be ok - not very good. in the night skipped "desperate housewives". think i've lost interest in it now. instead saw parts of "in the mood for love" again. then saw "grey's anatomy" - its the only serial i make it a point not to miss.

greenday - boulevard of broken dreams

punk rockers greenday have come quite a way from playing great punk songs like "when i come around" - dookie (1994), to their latest rock hit "boulevard of broken dreams" - american idiot (2004). this song won 6 mtv video music awards last year.

the lyrics go as:

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

one more fall pic

panoramic view of fall, as seen from the 9th floor of a building in my university.

fall pics

think this is the peak of fall here, most of the trees are bright yellow and red, and haven't become all bare yet:

















ps: posted the pics through flickr - works well.

right now i'm happy

right now - at the instant of typing this post - i'm happy. don't know how long this will last, but know right now i am. the reason is twofold:

a) went to radioshack yesterday and bought a cable to connect my powerbook to the wrpi radio station console. went today to the station to actually connect it and check it out. it works. so now i can take requests on the wrpi "melodies of india" show. think will try to host the show this sunday and do that. goodie!

b) made a presentation of my research results to a collaborating prof. now can start writing my first paper. my advisor thinks we can get it out in pretty good journal. so lets see. have been given about a week to write the first draft.
heh - just got a mail from my advisor sending me the paper format and saying "Take your time to write the paper (don't rush). Even if you take a couple of weeks that is Ok, but do a good job." hehe - even better. :)

so i went and treated myself to these new hershey's almond cookies (small pack of 4) - there are really good.
also should go to the karate class today, skipped the previous 4 classes because of the cough and all. hope i didn't miss a lot of new material.

diwali

yesterday was diwali - the festival of lights, india's most popular festival. though the reasons for celebrating it varies over different parts of india, it basically signifies the victory of light (truth) over darkness (falsehood).
this year did hardly anything at all for diwali - was at home in the night, did do some small pooja, had to make some slides for a presentation tomorrow and chatted with a friend for a while, then just lay there listening to music...

anyway thought i'd post some pics of last diwali, when i was at home in india, to remind myself how diwali is really supposed to be:

brother lighting diyas in front of the house








light sabers anyone? - flashing "phool-jadhis"